I’m Depressed.

I’m depressed. I actually have people on social media telling me that I’m living my best life and I can’t help but think if this is my best life then what in the actual fuck. My best life is being miserable this can’t be. I wish you guys would all stop telling people how happy they are through a mother fucking picture. That’s ridiculous and it’s fucking stupid cuz you don’t know what’s going on behind that picture. They say check on your happy friends and it’s true check on them because they be pretending as fuck.

I’m depressed I don’t want to deal with projects that nobody gives a fuck about not even myself. Oh hey look I sewed together this cute outfit who gives a shit. First of all I don’t even give a shit why should anybody else.

I’m depressed. I have a big beautiful house that I can’t even handle. I don’t want to fucking clean it. Shit I don’t even want to live in it. To make it even worse This place is huge and it’s too much for me to handle. I’m alone most of the time because my partner doesn’t even work on the same piece of land that I live in. He lives elsewhere while I’m here stuck doing all the shit.

I’m depressed. Shit its so bad even my youngest son told me that he doesn’t want me to be his mother anymore. Now ain’t that some shit. You give them your life and they don’t want you. He’s never wanted me though I knew that from the beginning. He made it clear every time he ran away from me when he saw me get home from work when he was a year old. That’s cool though He can have his opinion I have mine. I just know that the person he wants to be his mom wouldn’t be as good a mom as I can be to him. All this over telling him that he needs to eat three times a day.

I’m depressed. I used to love dogs. I used to love walking them. I used to love having them in my face. I used to love petting them and loving on them. Now whenever a dog comes near me I’m like can you back the fuck up. I don’t need you in my face I don’t need your breath on me your fur is annoying your face is annoying why you so happy back the fuck up.

I’m depressed. I eat all the shit I can find in the house when I start to feel distressed. I work my ass off in the morning just so I can stress in the afternoon and eat all the sugar My ancestors have ever harvested. They slaved over that work blood sweat and tears and I’m sitting here eating it away. All that to still feel like I am less because that is the perception that I’ve been given my whole life that skinny is who I am. And that is also the perception I was given when my partner decided he needs her reach out to other women at the peak of my relationship happiness back in 2018. when shit like that happens you really start to compare yourself. That’s some shit that’s hard to recover from.

I’m depressed. My mother-in-law doesn’t give a shit about my brown girl struggles. She thinks just because he’s a Trump supporter doesn’t mean he’s a racist. She doesn’t understand what it’s like to have people tell you that you don’t belong here when you really don’t even have an origin your origins come from all over the world where do you belong. She knows where she belongs She has that privilege. My ancestors were brought here and slaughtered my ancestors were slaves my ancestors were raped. My ancestors built the country and we don’t even have freedom in it. But she thinks that I’m bitter and that I’m crazy because I won’t put up with her lack of anti-racism.

I’m depressed. I feel like I’ve been overlooked my whole life. I feel like I’ve always been the one to uplift and help and make everyone laugh and smile while I’m dying on the inside from the secrets that I’ve had to keep. Because you know things need to be hush hush in a Latina or Caribbean household or black household We can all relate. No one knows what I know yet everybody thinks they know me. Everybody thinks I’m simple everybody wants my energy but they can’t reciprocate the deepness or the energy that I exert nor can they understand the pain that I hold within. I’m only enough until I’m not enough. when people are done using me they discard me. And then they go picking through the trash looking for me again until they discard me again.

I’m depressed. The fact that I’m here writing this knowing that people will just think I’m complaining when in reality it’s deeper than that. In reality I wish I had the money to go to therapy but I don’t have that option. In reality I’ve always been stuck I’ve always been dependent on others I’ve never been financially free or independent. When I was with my parents I wasn’t allowed to do anything and from there I moved on to a marriage and motherhood and I had to once again be at the mercy of someone else because I was needed but not for emotional reasons or because I was valued but because I was needed.

I’m depressed. I don’t feel worthy of any of the good I’ve ever done because I’m hardly ever celebrated without conflict. All the good I’ve ever done has always ended in conflict. Anything that I’ve struggled to get through has always been overshadowed by somebody else’s need to feel that spotlight. My accomplishments have never mattered. My graduation celebration went down in conflict. My wedding went down in conflict. My sweet 16 was a conflict to begin with I didn’t want it but the story is “I wouldn’t go without one”. And that one time I stuck my neck out to really help somebody that needed it I ended up homeless with two children one barely a year old, conflict. And the worst part is that person ended up being helped and I ended up being fucked along with my kids.

I’m depressed. where the fuck do I fit in when I’m not even a person that gets thought about. I only get thought about when I make a big fuss and when I Make a big fuss I’m all of a sudden irrational. They want my opinion but they don’t want the truth. They want my good parts but they don’t want the feelings. they want to hear what I have to say as long as it doesn’t conflict with how they feel about me or themselves.

I’m depressed. I talk a lot about self-love because I wish I had it. I wish I could sit here and say that I love myself. But the truth is that I have been affected by every single person in my physical life so much so that I don’t even see value in me most of the time. Nobody wants to support me nobody wants to praise me when I do good and it’s not like I’m even looking for that attention but it’s something you notice that you are lacking in people around you. and you wish you could change the situation but you’re so dependent on it that you can’t do a single fucjing shit about it. Every time you try to get the stability you need to get out you get ripped the fuck down if it’s not by a person it’s by covid-19. You think that caring for yourself would be enough and it should be enough but you can’t care for yourself when your whole life has been about caring for others and forgetting about yourself.

I’m depressed. Oh shit my birthday is in 5 days but who really gives a fuck?! Every birthday I’ve ever had has been forgotten or ended in conflict. One of them even ended up with my brothers getting into a huge fight one of them tackling the other one into the sidewalk and damn near killing em. Mother fucking conflict.

I am mother fucking depressed. So if you come across this and you think I’m complaining go fuck yourself if you come across this and you’re wondering where I am go fuck yourself. And if I’ve ever told you I don’t have issues with you I probably don’t and I probably appreciate your presence but for now you can also go fuck yourself. But you see how you could come here and read this and still laugh even though I’m mother fucking depressed. Also if you read this and you have my phone number don’t fucking call or text me I don’t want to hear from you, Especially not to talk about this cuz it’s none of your mother fucking and you’re lucky I didn’t write about your stupid dumbass in this post. You’d be lucky if I didn’t already change my phone number by the time you thought about calling me So don’t fucking do it. I’ve had my number since high school don’t make me mother fucking change it.


1 Comment

  1. Adria
    January 19, 2021 / 9:59 pm

    Andrea honey, I’m definitely not laughing at this as I can relate. We’ve talked about some of this before. I know you’re all “fuck everybody and everything” right now but seriously email me and I’ll give you my number. You need someone you can talk to. Please just try and relax. If you need to leave social media, do it. Please email me at goodwina025@yahoo.com as soon as you’re feeling up to it.

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